How to Lose Friends and Followers on the Web

I love my wonderful wife!” “Oh, I love you, wonderful husband!” Blah, blah, blah, vomit! It’s one thing for this mushy rubbish to be hurled out to the universe but I find most of these couples are in the same room when they post these love murmurings on Facebook.

People, of course think this is cute, until they start posting hate messages about each other once the divorce papers are served. Truthfully, we still don’t want to hear about it!

The Pitfalls of Social Media

There are other Facebook postings that really annoy followers and while I tend to just hide the offending person or persons, most denizens of Facebook just unfriend people. In fact, I have one friend that delights in unfriending people and tortures them with his reasons why and then destroys them, all in posts to all his connections. A bit brutal, but different people handle it in their own way.

Angry
Image credit: Bigstockphoto

For instance, when I want to stop someone from using non-words like “prolly” and “nom,” I’m more than happy to point out that they’re idiots and then bring up as many embarrassing things about them on their own timeline for all to see, ending with “you’re prolly mad at me? NOM!” In fact, sometimes I accept “friend” requests from people who I don’t really like, post something horrendous about them on their profile page, then de-friend them when they ask why I would ruin their lives. I don’t do it that much anymore, but it’s a lesson that Facebook, like prison and the mob, has a certain set of rules. Here are some rules, not only for Facebook, but all social media platforms:

Facebook

  1. We know you love each other, so get off of your computer and go prove it to each other. If you continue, it is permissible to post that one of you has been having multiple sexual affairs. Keep it in your pants and offline!
  2. If you are going to post cryptic messages such as “life has thrown me another curve” or “just can’t believe it!” then prepare for your friends to start guessing what’s wrong. People will start by asking if your herpes has stopped being in remission or if your former gay lover has returned, seeking love and revenge.
  3. Don’t post a liberal, political message to your liberal friends if you also have conservative friends who will argue with liberal friends and insult them. If you have to post such a political opinion, then stand by it by deleting friends who show their opposing political leanings or at least tell them to shut up on your profile.
  4. Don’t post pictures of your dinner unless someone threw it in your face or it has the meal’s head and or feet still attached. No one cares if you can cook and most of us hate you when you go to an expensive restaurant while we’re digging through the supermarket dumpsters for expired food.
  5. A relative passed away ten years ago on this date? If they don’t fly flags at half mast in your state, then you’re just bumming the rest of us out.
  6. We can add, so if your posts show you doing everything BUT designing, then don’t show up to an industry event and start talking about design. You have to actually CREATE a design to be a designer!
  7. Thanks for posting your kid’s crayon drawing. It sucks and the kid isn’t a “talented artist.” Your kid has way more accidents in his/her pants than a real artist!
  8. “Here’s a selfie of me looking to the right.” “Here’s one of me looking to the left.” “Here’s one of me looking straight at my phone. NOM!” You didn’t just get a new haircut or change your facial features, so you think we forgot what you look like?
  9. Why are you posting these “tests of friendship” where I have to post something, then share it on my timeline and then do some sort of religious folk dance to prove I’m your friend? Are you THAT paranoid? You may have a reason to be!
  10. So nice of you to waive everyone’s privacy when you decided to start a farm or candy factory on Facebook games. I really enjoy getting requests for seeds and help digging shallow graves. Play the game on your phone so I don’t have to start playing just to burn down your farm and rustle your cattle!

Twitter

Hate Technology
Image credit: Bigstockphoto

  1. You only tweet famous quotes? Yeah, like we can never see those outside of your feed. They aren’t even YOUR thoughts!
  2. You list your religion on your profile? So, does that mean I’m not as good as you are if I don’t follow your religion? Does it make you more trustworthy? A local store touts it’s devotion to a certain religious following, hoping it will speak of their trustworthy business dealings to others who follow the same religion. It also has the highest number of consumer complaints of similar businesses in the area.
  3. You don’t follow anyone back. Obviously you’re a selfish jerk!
  4. Your Twitter tagline makes no sense, says nothing about you and your tweets follow no sense of rhyme or reason. “Livin’ Large” means nothing!
  5. Your tweets to promote happiness only serve to remind me of my sucky reality. Take your top off and post a photo. That will make me happy!

LinkedIn

Shocked
Image credit: Bigstockphoto

  1. So, you’re not as professional as you say you are! Apparently, you also can’t keep a job for more than two years and your degree is from Phoenix University online. Now I have no respect for you at all.
  2. No, I can’t give you a recommendation because I hate you. You were a horrid co-worker and stabbed people in the back every chance you got (this is when I write an outrageous but truthful recommendation that would never, ever get you so much as an interview).
  3. No, I won’t give you an introduction to one of my connections because you’ll end up losing me that connection just like every co-worker of ours ended up going to HR about how psychotic you are!
  4. Don’t list about your jagillion dollar business and then contact me about me doing free work for you.

Instagram

Bad Teeth
Image credit: Bigstockphoto

  1. Your child is ugly and stupid. Why would I want to see his/her ugly face and hear you feign love for them? Um… I’m not their father, am I?
  2. Your vacation pictures will never match the images available on the web if I want pictures of Maui. Show us pictures of yourself on a nude beach (or don’t, if you know what I mean). Those pictures are not readily available on the web.
  3. Nice picture of your grandmother! Isn’t she the one you keep telling us is a huge racist but it’s okay because she’s from “another generation”? So were my grandparents and they weren’t racists. I hope your grandmother dies in the arms of some person of a creed, culture or color she hates!
  4. Since everyone knows that being forced to sit through family vacation photos is boring and ridiculous, then why let the digital age continue the practice? Photoshop the kids in the mouth of a shark and I’ll look at the image. If not, I’LL Photoshop them that way and post it on your Facebook profile.
  5. The worst “artist” you know will post a “sketch-a-day” and ask you why you never comment on them… and you’re running out of excuses.

Dribbble

Creative Technology
Image credit: Bigstockphoto

  1. “Hey! Look at what I did.” That’s the basis of Dribbble. It’s one big, digital circle-jerk of designers looking for some kind of legitimacy from the very people who want them to fail and make more room in the industry. If you hate a client telling you how to design, then why put yourself out to a bunch of “designers” who spend their time critiquing the subjective work of others instead of doing work for clients? All that should matter is that YOU and your CLIENTS like your work. If you need to post your work because you don’t know how to finish it or have come up with something of which you are not proud, then it’s time to learn how to improve your thinking, creative process and no one on Dribbble is going to teach you.
  2. Spend your time working, not goofing off on Dribbble!

Conclusion

People are your friends and followers because they love and respect you but it only goes so far. I mean, how many of these people actually call you on the phone, meet you for a meal or coffee or send you a private message?

Smiling
Image credit: Bigstockphoto

Digital friends are just as easy to delete as they are to accept. Even in the digital world, friendly manners, compassion and concern are the utmost for building strong connections. Writing articles such as this is not part of any of those things. OOPS!

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of Onextrapixel.